What does ‘Mental Health Awareness Day’ mean to you..? I can see much reference in the news / media these last couple of days with celebrities posting ‘touching social media posts’ such as ‘it’s okay not to be okay’… it got me thinking of my journey and where I find myself today.
Growing up as a kid in Thamesmead, with a disability after foolishly severing my arm in a top loader washing machine accident, back then I was never overly conscious of the emotional and mental aspect of that impact and its knock on effects growing up. Sure, I knew I was different, but I had an inner acceptance that this difference was my drive to succeed, to overcome. In part to the heroic support of my parents and my brother and the simplistic approach to breaking down any hurdles, both mentally and physically, to its most basic components. I was loved and strongly encouraged to live my life, never shielded from doing things and always told that patience will allow you to find a way around a problem. If ever I did something that hurt my Dad would simply say ‘don’t do it then’. Play with fire, you’ll burn yourself, play with knives, you’ll cut yourself… all practical advice that made sense.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing… back then I had a innocence, I was just one of the kids who in Thamesmead at that time would get up to a lot of mischief… there were a few aspects of life that I reacted to that showed that I was protecting myself mentally but as with life you develop over time an approach that allows you to accept and cope. Funny on reflection of how a 7-year-old reacted then to how I live those moments now at 52.
School dinners, I had this thing that I would avoid meat / food that I could not cut myself with a fork. When using a knife you hold the piece of food with a fork and then cut, having the use of one hand only means I end up chasing food around a plate and unless anchored to something its leaving the plate in a hurry. Typically, something like beef was an absolute no no… I was way too embarrassed to ask any help to cut my food. That stayed with me for many, many years to a point in later years that I would only eat quality fillet steak and nothing else. Today…? With a partner, my daughter, my Mum, a friend I would happily ask for help cutting food.
I used to tuck my hand in my pocket a hell of a lot growing up, trying to avoid my deformed hand being looked at and thus it becoming centre of attention. Today…? Cannot change what I have, short sleeve t-shirts..? not a problem. I have a confidence in myself today that I did not have then and hiding solves nothing, suppression of reality not always a positive thing. The innocence of child is fantastic… they have no filter and always cut to the chase and ask what have you done…? or something funny. Adults seen to react more measured and that creates a more uncomfortable situation, not always but most cases. I know that they have noticed, eye contact has been lost, I am thinking ‘go on say something’ and then this look of visible shook on the persons face on ‘what do I do next..?’. These days I show the hand and laugh off with humour to make that person more comfortable. Hand shaking (not at this exact COVID moment I know)… the amount of times I have gone to shake someone’s hand and they panic and repel in a look of horror. You would have thought my hand was a grenade about to explode… again a sense of humour helps. ‘It won’t bite’ is my usual response to that reaction and that helps me mask my amazement at the other persons narrow mindedness or lack of acceptance. The times that this has happened my loved ones go into protective mode. I have an acceptance of the who I am, these examples no longer challenge me.
Shoelaces… that was a tough one. My mum broke her heart telling me there you go, a pair of shoes with laces, you need to work away around doing them up. It took me hours, but I did, and I use the same technique to this day. The concept of practical difficulty today…? There is always a way around things, the creative mind of yourself and others will prevail. Take the customisation of my bike as a perfect example around acceptance of limitations and the need to search and source a solution.
I vividly remember my junior school sports teachers excluding me from sports because of the concern of injury to my arm. A simple trip up could cause significant injury… sure there was a period that rehabilitation was necessary, as now with my acetabular fracture, but thereafter the gloves are off, and you just get back involved. At that point my parents had to intervene, ‘let him do all the sports he wants, he has to learn his own way’… there was nothing sexy about the sports options back then, it was football or Cricket depending on the season. Either way I was ok at both and managed to find a way… doing so also developed my sense of humour. Sure, at the beginning I would get frustrated with myself, to the point of tears. Sure, I had moments that I thought I cannot do this… each time I was encouraged to keep going, never to give up, determination will get you through. That pig-headed stubbornness to get my head down and never give up probably still exists today.
There were also some unpleasant negative reactions that I had to manage growing up, aggressive over-reactions as an example. That natural reaction to lash out both verbally and physically are not traits you are proud to admit and certainly affected me growing up, how best to manage frustration, how best to manage rejection, feeling vulnerable, how to react to being attacked. You have to learn patience and understand your own mental approach before you can control these negative aspects and it was not until my mid-twenties that I sort therapy to deal with what I felt was a major flaw. I simply did not have the ability to manage those feelings back then…
Therapists have played a significant part of my life when young. I had to be evaluated legally in those early years and then later when I knew I needed help and an alternative coping approach. I learnt early on that we as individuals do not have all the answers and as such a solution, a source of transferable knowledge is out there if you just open your mind to the fact.
7 years old to 52 is a long time and there are many more stories and examples of instances that helped shape who I am today… the mixing bowl of traits, motions & experience helps in the majority of causes to cope through tough times and when adversity is needed. Support and assistance are out there when needed you just need the positivity to be felt and the steps forward are therefore much easier to walk. I am certainly not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, it has been a reasonably challenging upbringing but with love, support, patience, determination and focus on the required end result you will get to a point of success in your own expectation.
So back to the original question I posed… What does ‘Mental Health Awareness Day’ mean to you…? To me it is selfishly my own reflection… remembering the lessons from when I was younger, the love and support of my parents and brother, the time and advice invested in me from others that care have all made me humbler and more tolerant today. You cannot always cope alone, surrounding yourself with trust and caring will see you through. The mind is a massively powerful tool, allowed to run wild you can pretty much hit the extreme spectrums of positivity and negativity, neither are healthy options… life is about balance I say.
Trying to gain that balance during these COVID times has unfortunately seen a relationship close, has challenged me financially and now with this acetabular fracture tested my resolve and physical wellbeing… I have sort those that can help, I have realised that the focus on returning to physical fitness plays a very determining factor in my own mental health wellbeing. Whilst I have hit, what I perceive, to be near the bottom the subsequent prompt and reflection of ‘Mental Health Awareness day’ has managed to remind me I have the tools to succeed in the life that I want.
A celebrity writing ‘it’s okay not to be okay’ is a pretty simple thing to write, the challenge thereafter is how to offer motivation that if that ‘not okay’ needs to be addressed and balanced then resolution is out there… by simply sharing a life story may offer a way through in their journey.
Life is life, as complicated as you make it… we can rely on people, their kindness, their support but ultimately the strength has to come from within to go through life and meet any challenges that may arise. Positivity will prevail, faith in yourself, we just need a motivational prompt now and again… that is my overriding simple thought on a very complicated matter.
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